If you've ever felt guilty for putting yourself first, this episode is for you.
If you've ever felt guilty for putting yourself first, this episode is for you.
Kate is joined by Valerie Jones, author, coach and founder of The Selfish Woman movement, to explore what it really means to be a 'selfish woman' in divorce - and why reclaiming that word could be one of the most important things you do for yourself.
We talk about:
This episode is for any woman who has ever put herself last – whether she’s in the middle of separation, still deciding or rebuilding life on the other side.
Being selfish isn't about doing whatever you want, whenever you want. It's about being genuinely connected to yourself – who you really are, what you need and what's right for you. During divorce, it's very common to realise you've spent years putting everyone else first and losing sight of yourself in the process. Being 'selfish' in this sense means stopping that pattern. It means pausing before automatically saying yes to everyone else and actually asking: how do I feel, and what do I need? That's not selfish in the negative sense of the word - It's essential.
Research shows that women are more likely to be expected to be caring, accommodating and selfless – and are often judged more harshly when they prioritise their own needs. Studies on gender roles show that women are stereotyped as more communal and self-sacrificing, and expected to prioritise others’ needs over their own, in contrast to men who are expected to be more self-assertive and independent.
This can make even small acts of self-focus feel uncomfortable or ‘wrong’. Research also suggests that women tend to have stronger moral identities and are more likely to experience guilt when they don’t meet others’ expectations, which can make prioritising their own needs feel morally difficult – even when it’s reasonable.
That conditioning runs deep – and it can keep women stuck in situations that aren't right for them long after the signs are there to leave.
The word 'selfish' has been used to make women feel guilty for having needs. But what if we flipped it? What if selfish simply meant: connected to yourself? Because when you're not connected to yourself, you're not acting from a place of strength – you're acting from fear, exhaustion and the need for everyone else's approval.
While this experience isn’t limited to women, it’s one many women recognise – particularly during and after separation.
Guilt has a useful job. It's there to tell you when you've genuinely done something wrong – when you've acted in a way that's unkind or caused real harm. That kind of guilt is worth listening to.
But there's another kind of guilt that's far more common during and after divorce, and it's not actually guilt at all - it's discomfort. It's the uncomfortable feeling of making a choice that's right for you, while knowing that someone else is upset or disappointed by it. You haven't done anything wrong; you've just made a decision for yourself, and someone else is having an experience of that. Once you can see the difference, it becomes a little easier to sit with that discomfort – and to keep moving forward anyway.
If you've spent years putting everyone else first, coming back to yourself takes time – and that's okay. You don't need to make big, dramatic changes to start feeling more like you again. Small, consistent steps are enough. Here are three small things to try:
Listen to the full episode to hear Valerie explore these tips in more detail.
Valerie Jones is the author of The Selfish Year, host of The Selfish Woman podcast, and founder of The Selfish Woman movement. Her work helps women let go of ‘good girl’ conditioning and people-pleasing, stop seeking external approval and build unapologetic self-trust. Valerie meets women exactly where they are and helps them show up for themselves, fully. You can learn more about Valerie on her website and buy her book The Selfish Year on Amazon. Complete Valerie's quiz to find out the hidden ways you might be sabotaging yourself.
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